I am writing this note to let you know that I fucking hate you.
I know now, more than ever, that this is not where I belong. I know now, more than ever, that the one thing that keeps me here is the children. And actually, I’m starting to believe that somewhere inside of me, I kinda fucking hate them, too.
I wonder where my life went and everyday when I wake up I tell myself this will be the day that I take back my happiness. Instead, everyday becomes like the days before. They all begin the same. They all end the same.
The cooking, the cleaning, the organizing, and the bossing around. I know you think I love it all and, in moderation, I do! But I wish I had more help. More than that, I wish I could just
strangle leave you here.
So, while you sleep I look at you and I think of ways to leave. But then, I think of the kids and how devastated they would be if I
poisoned left you. I think of how hard we’ve worked to just get this far! I think of our first kiss, our first dance, our first fight, and all the kisses, dances, and fights we’ve had since.
We put alot into “us” and it’s hard to just leave. So, I’ll just sit here in the dark and lament. I will just sit and wonder who I could have been if I would have just walked away all those years ago.
When I’m finished, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fuck our new pool man, Javier. He’s Canadian and I quite like that.